The mechanics vs. the flow

Okay, current thought process I have while flying a sequence:

Dive 45 degree downline set check speed 140mph pull level 3500 feet area clear set loop ready go pull look left start to float look up find horizon wings level nose coming down start to squeeze pull pull pull pull theres the horizon set speed 140mph altitude 3500 feet area clear hammerhead ready go pull look left set vertical dont move dont move dont move now full rudder right stick watch the nose forward stick little less vertical down set pull pull pull pull horizon set immelman speed 145 3500 feet pull look left start to float here comes the horizon now left stick right rudder left rudder hold the nose up back stick hold the nose up 1 turn spin 4200 feet area clear power idle left rudder keep it straight stick back stick back stick back right rudder stick in the gut here we go annnnnnnnnnnd power idle ailerons neutral rudder opposite elevator forward set vertical down and pull pull pull pull set.  

Now, I realize that no one has any clue about what any of that is.  Its cool.  Here's my point though, I cant wait to get to the point where my thought process is this:

loop

hammerhead

immelman

spin

When things become automatic, the moves you can make are incredible.  Of course, I doubt it will ever be that simple, (actually I can guarantee it, I left out some important safety stuff, but only for effect) but just when you think you are proficient in something you start to see more detail.  You start to see smaller movements and refine the smaller touches.  You start to really fly through the figure and not just...flop about like a wounded fish.  This stuff is FUN.  

Remember...the goal is in the process.  

yet again

I get asked all the time if I ever get scared in an airplane.  The honest answer is no, I don't.  I know my boundaries, I know what I can do, and more importantly what I can't do.  I minimize risk as much as the sport allows and pride myself on being as safe as possible.  I have never been in a situation where I was unsure if everything was going to work.  I went to the best school in the country to learn how to do this.  Every time I fly I think of what I learned and how to apply it.  

I love flying.  I really do.  It is the best thing in my world.  On nights like tonight though, I hate it.  I was chatting with some friends on the facebook when I checked airshowbuzz.com for the latest industry.  Their headline:  Paul Lopez killed in accident.  

Backstory.  

Since I have gotten into flying, I have known several people to die and even watched two people auger in right in front of me at one point.  It is the ugly ugly side of this sport and it makes me sick to my stomach each time I hear the news.  Erica Simpson was doing a roll in a Reno racer when the wing folded in on her.  Nick Nilmeyer finished a routine practice and mysteriously crashed on landing.  Ian Groom spun into the water in Florida.  Gerry Beck flipped his P-51 over in flames not 100 yards from where I watched.  I sold Ron and Bob charts right before they took off on what would be their last flight.  I watched them climb out and away from the airport.  And now Paul Lopez.  

So why do I do it?

At times like these, I can't answer that question.  I suppose its the same reason that smokers keep lighting up and drinkers keep drinking, only I like to think that my reasons are a little more pure.  I am not burying any pain or bad memories or anything.  

You hear stories about guys giving it up when asked to by their wives or spouses.  You hear those stories and you think, I could and would never give this up!  But I understand why they would.  

I wonder when it will be too much for me.  Anyone who knows me knows that I am sentimental like no other and wear my heart on my sleeve at all times.  Proudly.  This is the same thing that could ultimately be my downfall.  It is expensive, it is hard physically, it is hard mentally, and it is unforgiving emotionally.  I used to say that I loved the honesty in flying.  That screwing up means you could end.  That is not something to love as much as it is to hold in reverence and dare I say it, fear.  I have seen the ugly side up close too often and I don't like it.  Not one bit.  

My boat is rocking.  

Cp  

  

black and grey matter

I've lost the touch!

I realize how damn analytical I've gotten.  Note that word.  Analytical.  Divide it up.  First part?  Anal.  Second part?  ytical.  Of course its the first part that I'm concerned about.  Ytical doesn't really mean anything though it may bear some resemblance to some body part I've never heard of that probably resides close to its grammatical/anatomical brethren.  

I've stopped seeing the poetry of day to day things.  I've been going down memory lane, repeatedly like that creepy guy that keeps driving past my friends house.  I, in addition to being the occasional schmuck, used to have some fairly decent insights into the world.  Finding meaning and metaphor in everyday stuff whether it was a guy at the wharf or roadkill or a passing glance.  Now?  I got nothin'.

This is totally ass backwards too because I've gained way more perspective on things in my time of anti-blogness.  I don't think its the same type of perspective that I am used to though.  My previously well used right brain has traded spots with the left brain for dominance in thought and comprehension.  Numbers don't lie.   There is meaning in numbers but it is hard truth, void of feeling, emotion, interpretation.  Numbers don't make me feel accomplished or successful, but all I have been working with lately are hard cold numbers.  Maybe it's just called growing up (cue toys r us theme song) but whatever it is, I'm not seeing the world as...colorful...as I used to.  Yes I do fly airplanes and yes I do go hiking but I'm not absorbing anything.  I'm not seeing anything new, or at least in a new light.  I think I may be too stuck in a routine to have the daily opportunities for something new.  Hmmmmmmm.  

When the Earth was still embryonic, it was a hellacious place with fire raining down from the sky, rivers of lava flowing free, winds that would make our fiercest hurricanes seem like a cool summer breeze.  It was volatile but it was in the phase of being created.  Over time, obviously things settled down, tectonic plates became more stable, winds subsided, and life happened.  Outside of the occasional earthquake, things haven't really changed much in millions and millions of years.  Just every once in a while....

I could use an earthquake. 

Cp

Okay so whats new?

Reading through my old posts, the first thing that I think about is...actually the first thing I think about is the moment I wrote those.  You can look at a photo and see how you looked, or an old video and hear your voice from years ago but who were you?  Much tougher question to answer.  Going through and reading the old posts; having those is the first time I've ever had hard proof of who I was at a certain point in my being.  Very weird.  In some cases, go me for actually being able to write.  In others, dude, you gotta relax!  In any event, I thought a recap and maybe even a critique of the past 2 plus years is long overdue.  For you, the reading audience, I have broken it down into categories that are relevant to previous posts.  Without further delay:

Music. 

Okay, we all know the band died.  That sucked.  I think we all have regrets that we didnt do this and we didnt do that, and we could have done more.  To my core, I believe that Laura and troop was one awesome band.  I've been listening to our CD, watching old videos now and again and man, we had some good stuff.  I miss it.  There, I said it.  I miss playing with a group that can read each others moves.  I still think that the recording of "Nothing More than This" and the writing we did on "Saving Grace" are pillars of my musical resume that I would put up against anyone.  I was just listening to Nothing More than This in my car and hot damn...the chorus is so killer.  Go LGB.  

I have done minimal, and I do mean minimal playing since the band split.  It's alright though, I'm still having fun playing.  I've been playing at some open-stage sessions and its fun but something is missing from it.  I think its trusting the other people on stage.  Joe was always solid playing drums.  I've been playing with Joe since I first picked up a guitar and I knew where he is going at all times.  Dave...Dave....watching Dave play was like watching Mohammed Ali box.  It was special, and you knew that it was as it was happening.  It was effortless, thoughtful, tasteful, and at times, the most brilliant thing you'd ever heard anyone do.  And then there is Laura.  I've gone back and tried to play Laura's guitar parts.  cant.  I've tried to sing her parts.  cant.  If I never knew Laura as a best friend, as a bandmate, I would still be a huge fan of hers.  She was/is very real in everything she does.  Honest, and passionate.  What else do you need?  

Professional/Flying

Last I wrote I was a Private Pilot.  Now I am a Certified Flight Instructor with steady students, and tons of time in our Super Decathlon.  My goal is so clearly defined, so cut and dry that it is hard to embellish on it.  I am going to be an airshow pilot.  Done.  We've got an aerobatic plane that I am trying to use as much as possible.  

I still struggle with not doing enough.  I can always be doing more to get myself where I need to be.  I don't know if this is a common trait that people have but I can tell that you all my heroes worked their asses off to get to where they are.  What I lack in funding (and make no mistake, this stuff is Expensive...with a capital E) I have to make up for in drive.  A large part of this blog is going to be holding myself accountable for everything.  No excuses.  Just me and the sky.  

Personal

Ah the personal life stuff.  What I can tell you is that I think I've got my bearings.  I know where I want to go, I know how to get there, it's all on me.  I think I've always known things about myself that I want to change...personality traits and everything.  Someone, not too long ago argued this point with me that if there is something about you that you don't like, that you can effect a change.  I say it's possible.  I never said it was easy, but it is certainly possible.  Now, over the course of two years, I'm pretty surprised with how much more mature I feel.  Part of that is being honest with myself about things and either letting them go, or working on them.  I know, broad, abstract statement but if I told you everything now, why would you come back and read this?

I hope I haven't lost my wit.  I've been cooped up at the airport for so long that I'm slightly concerned that I lost something in my writing.  This is my first stab in over two years so hey, cut me some slack dammit.  I haven't exercised this side of my brain for awhile.  There are many many cobwebs I have to dust off.    

I think I've also learned to let a lot of things ago.  There are aspects of life that you can control and somethings you cant.  Its as predictable as a sunrise, but about as hard to grasp as a gentle breeze.  Learning to stay focused and trying to do something hard, its quite the journey.  Its quite the process. But, as I always said and will always say and hope to one day really live out (and appreciate while in the moment), the goal is in the process.  Enjoy it.  

Cp

So we meet again

I found you!  My long last pal!  The Poot has returned!

Kind of.  I just spent the last little chunk o' time revisiting the old me.  Or the young me.  I am currently the old me.  

Anyway.  

If there is one thing that I can say about my writing is that at times it was fairly thoughtful, sometimes overly grandiloquent, and at times...man, what an asshole I was.  I didnt know I was being an asshole but seriously, I said some pretty not so nice things that I never realized how they could be interpreted or twisted around, whether right or wrong.  Doesnt really matter in the end now does it?  Its like that recent cartoon of the cops shooting the chimp and saying they need to find another person to write the stimulus plan.  They may not have meant anything by it (bullshit) but what matters is the interpretation.  

So why start writing again?

I'm on a new quest.  I want to write about it.  I want to share what I think about it.  And I want to hold myself accountable.  If I tell all of you what I plan on doing, I have to do it.  If I just tell myself, well....I can back out of it a little easier.  

So now that I have access to "The Poot" once more, I'll be updating from time to time.  I wont promise a weekly post or anything.  You'll just have to stay tuned.  

Cp