yet again

I get asked all the time if I ever get scared in an airplane.  The honest answer is no, I don't.  I know my boundaries, I know what I can do, and more importantly what I can't do.  I minimize risk as much as the sport allows and pride myself on being as safe as possible.  I have never been in a situation where I was unsure if everything was going to work.  I went to the best school in the country to learn how to do this.  Every time I fly I think of what I learned and how to apply it.  

I love flying.  I really do.  It is the best thing in my world.  On nights like tonight though, I hate it.  I was chatting with some friends on the facebook when I checked airshowbuzz.com for the latest industry.  Their headline:  Paul Lopez killed in accident.  

Backstory.  

Since I have gotten into flying, I have known several people to die and even watched two people auger in right in front of me at one point.  It is the ugly ugly side of this sport and it makes me sick to my stomach each time I hear the news.  Erica Simpson was doing a roll in a Reno racer when the wing folded in on her.  Nick Nilmeyer finished a routine practice and mysteriously crashed on landing.  Ian Groom spun into the water in Florida.  Gerry Beck flipped his P-51 over in flames not 100 yards from where I watched.  I sold Ron and Bob charts right before they took off on what would be their last flight.  I watched them climb out and away from the airport.  And now Paul Lopez.  

So why do I do it?

At times like these, I can't answer that question.  I suppose its the same reason that smokers keep lighting up and drinkers keep drinking, only I like to think that my reasons are a little more pure.  I am not burying any pain or bad memories or anything.  

You hear stories about guys giving it up when asked to by their wives or spouses.  You hear those stories and you think, I could and would never give this up!  But I understand why they would.  

I wonder when it will be too much for me.  Anyone who knows me knows that I am sentimental like no other and wear my heart on my sleeve at all times.  Proudly.  This is the same thing that could ultimately be my downfall.  It is expensive, it is hard physically, it is hard mentally, and it is unforgiving emotionally.  I used to say that I loved the honesty in flying.  That screwing up means you could end.  That is not something to love as much as it is to hold in reverence and dare I say it, fear.  I have seen the ugly side up close too often and I don't like it.  Not one bit.  

My boat is rocking.  

Cp