you are what you eat

tonight was dave's bday. i met up with alissa and headed to dave's crazy condo in the north end. we had reservations at Maggianos for 7:15. we hung out for a bit, drank some wine, caught up on life, headed out. we took the t out of haymarket, only going a few stops to get to the restaurant. dave and alissa sat in front of me on the train, me behind them. we arent on the t for more than a few minutes when this woman sitting across from us looks at dave and alissa:

"you two must be brother and sister."

dave: "uh, why do you say that?"

lady: "its the lips, you both have the same lips. are you two related?"

dave: "definitly not."

as anyone may or may not know, dave and alissa have been romantically involved in the past, so i found this line of questioning rather amusing.

lady: "well, if you arent related, you two are going to marry each other. just you watch."

so now im thinking that maybe this lady is physic is something and we'll look back at this night and say 'hey, remember when the lady on the t predicted that you two would get married? crazy.' she continues:

lady: "how old are you?"

alissa: "today is his birthday!"

lady: "oh thats wonderful, let me see here.....25?"

dave: "nope."

lady: "19?" (because thats the next logical step from 25)

dave: "what? seriously? no! older than 25."

lady: "27?"

dave: "yup, i am 27 years old today."

lady: "oh so young. i have 21 years on you, 21 years."

dave: "wow, thats amazing, you dont look it at all. you must be doing something right." (he wasnt kidding, she looked great for 48)

at this point the lady digs in her bag a little bit, looking for something:

lady: "well ill tell you, its this. do you know what this is?"

she holds up a small little copy of the new testament in front of daves face. dave is the most agnostic person alive so now i am expecting the conversation to completely turn. little did i know.....

dave: "a book. alright, its the new testament."

lady: "thats right, i live it. i eat it."

metaphorically. at least we assume she means metaphorically. she eats the bible, as in, lives it and takes it all in. nope. she opens the book to a random page, tears it out, and shoves it into her mouth the same way you would shove a log into a roaring fireplace. she starts chewing away at it, all the way talking. dave, alissa, and i are completely stunned, shocked, in awe, just speechless that this woman is eating a book. without skipping a beat:

dave: "you are the most interesting person i have ever met in my entire life."

lady: (now speaking while chewing the bible, which we have now deemed the edibible) "well i tell ya, i was reading all these stawies bout these soljis doin this, they be in battle and shootin they guns and everythin and they eat the good book and it saves them. i was in some trouble years ago so i just made up my mind one day and started eating it page at a time."

note that she was in trouble years ago. she is sitting on the t, talking to three complete strangers, eating the bible. USED to have problems. we cant wait to hear exactly what these problems were.

lady: "ya know, as soon i started eatin it it worked, all my prolems went way, it didn work fo da money prolems or anytin but it sure worked for my other big problem. (yes she is still chewing. apparently those christians make some mean paper) see years go, i had some problems, i had no hope, i had nothin to lose, i had an eating disorder, ya know, i was bulimic, throwin up after my meals and all."

eating disorder. she solved her eating disorder by eating the BIBLE. i have now buried my face behind the seat because im laughing too hard, dave is almost crying but trying not to show it because he doesnt want to be insulting. she goes on for another minute or two, gets her page down, explains that she does this everyday and that its helped her. but holy shit, hahahah holy shit...if you eat the bible is the resulting excrement a holy shit? anyway, our stop came up and we ran for the door as soon as it opened. dave was right, this was the most interesting person i have ever met in my life. the woman that ate the bible to solve her eating disorder.