my favorite post ever.

The last time I had been in this bathroom there was a fly buzzing around the light. Now, a week later, I sit here again, and there is again a fly buzzing around the light. I cant help but wonder if it’s the same fly, that’s he has been beating his body against the mirror for over a week thinking that it’s the way out every single time. I commence shitting and it becomes apparent that this guy has a penchant for shit. His attention diverts from the mirror and the lights and focuses on the smell eminating from the crack between the edge of the toilet seat and my bare ass.
Horror. You don’t see him move for it. You just hear the buzzing of the fly in complete Doppler effect, you have to rely on your sensory radar to determine exactly where the fly is in relation to your ass. You hear him around the mirror and its comforting, then you hear him fade a little bit, the sound is coming from behind the toilet, and then it gets louder. Suddenly you realize what is going on. You have shit, he is a fly, he wants your shit, and what do we say? Always go for the source. Think about a fly crawling around your asshole. Not comforting.
I rolled up the book I was reading (side story, in second grade we had d.e.a.r. time, drop everything and read. I am reading, and definitely dropping.) and was going to use it as a fly swatter. He flew past my bare calves and crumpled pant adorned ankles and I took a swing, missing horribly but causing enough of a wake in the air to fuck up his trajectory. He regains control of himself and keeps right on going. Then I pity him. He can fly, I have to admire him. Not only that but he is trying to get at my shit, I have to pity him for that. I don’t have it in me to swat at him any longer. I resolve to just back up so my ass is now flush against the toilet seat, preventing any entry. I’m safe, and so is my shit.
Speaking of shit, all day today mine was green. I don’t mean slightly tinted, I mean whole hearted luck of the irish green. I could understand if I had been eating broccoli and spinach straight for a week, but no, I haven’t. I went out last night but nothing I ingested was green, no guacamole, no melonballs, not even a goddamn apple martini or anything. I’m sorry, but you could be bleeding profusely from the head, you could be seeing four of everything, you could not be able to breathe, but if you really want to get freaked out and think something is wrong with you, shit green.