wow, i suck.

i just went back and read journal entries i posted dating back to early 2004. some of you may have been loyal readers since that time, but ill bet thats not typically the case. either way, it became quite clear to me, quite quickly at that, that the quality of my writing has dwindled. i dont think its too bold to say that i used to write some fairly bombastic entries, not to be confused with flagrant. im not sure what caused the change. my mind has switched gears. it used to be functioning on a creative basis 24/7. now it is more mature, more clouded with aspects of "real life" which is to be read as bills, money, job, and utter crap.
i used to go off on long tangents about love and romance and what it means, exploring every region of me and whatever was going on at the moment. the simple explanation as to why those have stopped is because that aspect of living has simply stopped pouring into my life. im not spiteful of that, i wouldnt even say regretful. as i wrote on some previously glorious day, the world is just more colorful when you have someone, even if you are just calling them up to share some minute little detail with them, because you know theyll care. that is something that is just nice to have.
that being said, i came across this little paragraph that i wrote. "too many people claim love whereas its just a result of convenience and satisfaction. thats not real love. thats settling for something. give me the struggle, give me the proof that this is something of a divine nature, it was meant to be...it seems to me that people are afraid to believe in their own personal truths, rather taking the safe middle ground, umcommited to anything or anyone. but in doing so, are you ever really living? are you ever caring? will you ever know real joy or perhaps real sorrow? dont be afraid to stand for what you believe in people. it might just mean the difference between a life worthwhile and a life dismissed as trite and unremarkable."

i will stand by that as much as i did the day i wrote it.

so how hard should it be to find? ive always entertained the thought that she, whoever that may be, certainly isnt in rhode island. the idea that they are somewhere else, leading a completely different life, experiencing completely different things, knowing different roads, is exciting. if you consider that it is inevitable that one day we'll meet, well its enough to send me to bed, comfortable and not at all alone. as long as we have the same dreams, not even now, or tomorrow, but eventually.