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I started this blog inspired by High Fidelity, putting together top 5 lists of various things. Tonight I return to form with a series of top 5’s to commemorate my time spent in boston. The first entry will be top 5 college moments:
1) Skeeter Skeeter, Parking Meter
The names of those involved in the following story have been changed to protect them. In fact, the whole thing may or may not have happened, just to protect some people.
One night, during sophomore year, “Guillermo” fell asleep fairly early. “Jesus” and “Moses” were out drinking. At around 3am the door to the apartment flies open. Jesus walks in carrying a stick yelling “DUDE, wake up! You gotta see this!” Guillermo turns over and sees Jesus with said stick, proceeded by Moses, carrying the opposite end of the stick. They stand the thing up and only then does Guillermo realize that it isn’t a stick. It is a fully functional, dual parking meter, full of cash. Imagine laughing so hard that the air just gets sucked out of your chest. They acquired a parking meter. We laughed until at least 6am. Hands down the funniest moment of Guillermo’s entire college career. The meter actually stayed in the apt, in the corner, until the end of the year. It now may or may not reside in someone’s (Guillermo’s) backyard, in a different state.
2) The Night They Brought Ol’ Nick Down
Joe, Mike, Pete, Craig, Nick, and myself were hanging out. I drank myself stupid with Parrot Bay (I think I mixed it with Sunny Delight, go me). Everyone else was on vodka and beer and whatever else we could find. Nick needed pot though. Someone made some calls and tracked some down at a party going on up the road. We took a quick little walk to the party so nick could get his. He took ONE hit off a gravity bong. ONE. we get back to our place. Everyone is seated on beds or in chairs. Nick lies down next to my desk. Maybe 30 minutes goes by and he isn’t moving. We are having fun putting newspapers in his mouth, opening his eyes, he is still able to smile a little bit and give the most perfect stoner laugh ever heard. And then he turned green. Not a shade of green, not a tint. He was fucking army ass green. He makes it to the bathroom and starts yukin (still my favorite term for throwing up). We realize that he isn’t doing so well. The conversation immediately turns to “what do we do?” it is about 1am at this point. Nick needs help. He is passed out in the bathroom, only waking up to yuke. We have one car, mike’s maxima, which is a stick shift. Mike is so drunk there is no way he can drive. We figure he needs to get to a hospital within the next 20 minutes. They determine that I am the most sober so ill have to dry nick to the hospital. I don’t drive stick. Its decided that I will drive in first gear all the way to the hospital. Well….when I get there do I bring him in? if I bring him in, ive probably had too much to drink to be driving too so then ill be screwed too. “okay, well drive in first gear to the hospital, open the door and kick him out and drive away. They’ll find him.” Ok. Well wait, lets think about this. Mike goes into the bathroom to check on nick. We are all out in the other room remarking about how remarkably messed up he is. Mike comes back out and tears us a new one: “GODDAMNIT! This poor kid is in here just about DYING and he doesn’t need you out here talking about how fucked up he is. It ISNT make him feel any better. JESUS!” he recedes back to the bathroom. We are all quiet, mike is right, we should talk about something else. Mike comes out two minutes later, shuts the door… “man ive been drinking since I was 12 and I aint NEVER seen someone that fucked up.” Wait wait, what time is it? We were supposed to get him to a hospital in 20 minutes. That was at 1am. What time is it now? 4? Whoops. Nick lived.
3) Joe Almost Gets arrested
Joe and jack thought it would be a good idea to go for a swim in the Christian Science Center reflecting pool. Yeah so what they have guards that patrol the thing on golf carts, we’ll just run. Everyone knows you cant go swimming with all your clothes on. So right there on Comm ave at 2am joe and jack strip down to their undies and jump in. not two seconds later the guards are hauling ass over there to arrest them. They both hop out of the pool and start running down comm. Ave. at 2am. Soaking wet. In their underwear. We grab their clothes and head back to our place. We get back there and joe isn’t there. He finally shows up. He turned the corner to get back onto our street, and promptly ran into 4 cop cars, pulling people out of a bar. They see joe. Its 2am. He is soaking wet. Wearing nothing but tighty whities. Now at this point, you should consider what happens to white cotton when it becomes wet. We have all see wet-t shirt contests or at least know what the point of them is. Apply that to joe. The cops yell for him to put his hands up on the wall. Joe puts one hand on the wall and is covering himself with the other. “I said both hands!” yells mr. cop. So there, at 2am. Soaking wet. In front of a couple hundred drunk college kids, joe is standing there getting his ear chewed off while standing exposed for all to see. Way to go, way to go.
4) oh I still love you though new york
-“what do you feel like doing?
-“I dunno, what time is it?”
-“midnight”
-“what do you have to do tomorrow?”
-“I have to be at work at 10am”
-“so we have 10 hours with which to do something.”
-“I wonder how far we could go and get back in time.”
And so that is how we ended up driving to new york city at midnight. Driving through times square at 4am, seeing the world trade center right before they came down, and driving back to boston WITHOUT once even getting out of the car. And I was at work on time the next day.
5) The Hunt for Red Lobster
Jeff riley is going to be president. His resume includes being homecoming king, overall bachelor, and reigning champion of organizing scavenger hunts. The great scavenger hunt of 2003 included such items as:
- a picture of one of your teammates pinching a black mans bare ass.
- Picture of yourself with a member of the clergy
- Flintstones vitamins
- Picture of a team member in a window display on newbury st.
- The pager from the cheesecake factory.
- Picture of a supermarket worker in a shopping cart.
After all the dust settled, there were three teams that were tied for first, including mine. For a tiebreaker, king riley says “the first team to bring me back a live lobster…” before he even finished we were off and running. Glyda and I are running through the city, SPRINTING to get to the Mark to get a lobster. The other two teams get there at the same time we do, running through the store, yelling at the guy in the store to give us a lobster. One team takes a cab back, the other two high tail it on foot. We came in second by less than a minute.
1) Skeeter Skeeter, Parking Meter
The names of those involved in the following story have been changed to protect them. In fact, the whole thing may or may not have happened, just to protect some people.
One night, during sophomore year, “Guillermo” fell asleep fairly early. “Jesus” and “Moses” were out drinking. At around 3am the door to the apartment flies open. Jesus walks in carrying a stick yelling “DUDE, wake up! You gotta see this!” Guillermo turns over and sees Jesus with said stick, proceeded by Moses, carrying the opposite end of the stick. They stand the thing up and only then does Guillermo realize that it isn’t a stick. It is a fully functional, dual parking meter, full of cash. Imagine laughing so hard that the air just gets sucked out of your chest. They acquired a parking meter. We laughed until at least 6am. Hands down the funniest moment of Guillermo’s entire college career. The meter actually stayed in the apt, in the corner, until the end of the year. It now may or may not reside in someone’s (Guillermo’s) backyard, in a different state.
2) The Night They Brought Ol’ Nick Down
Joe, Mike, Pete, Craig, Nick, and myself were hanging out. I drank myself stupid with Parrot Bay (I think I mixed it with Sunny Delight, go me). Everyone else was on vodka and beer and whatever else we could find. Nick needed pot though. Someone made some calls and tracked some down at a party going on up the road. We took a quick little walk to the party so nick could get his. He took ONE hit off a gravity bong. ONE. we get back to our place. Everyone is seated on beds or in chairs. Nick lies down next to my desk. Maybe 30 minutes goes by and he isn’t moving. We are having fun putting newspapers in his mouth, opening his eyes, he is still able to smile a little bit and give the most perfect stoner laugh ever heard. And then he turned green. Not a shade of green, not a tint. He was fucking army ass green. He makes it to the bathroom and starts yukin (still my favorite term for throwing up). We realize that he isn’t doing so well. The conversation immediately turns to “what do we do?” it is about 1am at this point. Nick needs help. He is passed out in the bathroom, only waking up to yuke. We have one car, mike’s maxima, which is a stick shift. Mike is so drunk there is no way he can drive. We figure he needs to get to a hospital within the next 20 minutes. They determine that I am the most sober so ill have to dry nick to the hospital. I don’t drive stick. Its decided that I will drive in first gear all the way to the hospital. Well….when I get there do I bring him in? if I bring him in, ive probably had too much to drink to be driving too so then ill be screwed too. “okay, well drive in first gear to the hospital, open the door and kick him out and drive away. They’ll find him.” Ok. Well wait, lets think about this. Mike goes into the bathroom to check on nick. We are all out in the other room remarking about how remarkably messed up he is. Mike comes back out and tears us a new one: “GODDAMNIT! This poor kid is in here just about DYING and he doesn’t need you out here talking about how fucked up he is. It ISNT make him feel any better. JESUS!” he recedes back to the bathroom. We are all quiet, mike is right, we should talk about something else. Mike comes out two minutes later, shuts the door… “man ive been drinking since I was 12 and I aint NEVER seen someone that fucked up.” Wait wait, what time is it? We were supposed to get him to a hospital in 20 minutes. That was at 1am. What time is it now? 4? Whoops. Nick lived.
3) Joe Almost Gets arrested
Joe and jack thought it would be a good idea to go for a swim in the Christian Science Center reflecting pool. Yeah so what they have guards that patrol the thing on golf carts, we’ll just run. Everyone knows you cant go swimming with all your clothes on. So right there on Comm ave at 2am joe and jack strip down to their undies and jump in. not two seconds later the guards are hauling ass over there to arrest them. They both hop out of the pool and start running down comm. Ave. at 2am. Soaking wet. In their underwear. We grab their clothes and head back to our place. We get back there and joe isn’t there. He finally shows up. He turned the corner to get back onto our street, and promptly ran into 4 cop cars, pulling people out of a bar. They see joe. Its 2am. He is soaking wet. Wearing nothing but tighty whities. Now at this point, you should consider what happens to white cotton when it becomes wet. We have all see wet-t shirt contests or at least know what the point of them is. Apply that to joe. The cops yell for him to put his hands up on the wall. Joe puts one hand on the wall and is covering himself with the other. “I said both hands!” yells mr. cop. So there, at 2am. Soaking wet. In front of a couple hundred drunk college kids, joe is standing there getting his ear chewed off while standing exposed for all to see. Way to go, way to go.
4) oh I still love you though new york
-“what do you feel like doing?
-“I dunno, what time is it?”
-“midnight”
-“what do you have to do tomorrow?”
-“I have to be at work at 10am”
-“so we have 10 hours with which to do something.”
-“I wonder how far we could go and get back in time.”
And so that is how we ended up driving to new york city at midnight. Driving through times square at 4am, seeing the world trade center right before they came down, and driving back to boston WITHOUT once even getting out of the car. And I was at work on time the next day.
5) The Hunt for Red Lobster
Jeff riley is going to be president. His resume includes being homecoming king, overall bachelor, and reigning champion of organizing scavenger hunts. The great scavenger hunt of 2003 included such items as:
- a picture of one of your teammates pinching a black mans bare ass.
- Picture of yourself with a member of the clergy
- Flintstones vitamins
- Picture of a team member in a window display on newbury st.
- The pager from the cheesecake factory.
- Picture of a supermarket worker in a shopping cart.
After all the dust settled, there were three teams that were tied for first, including mine. For a tiebreaker, king riley says “the first team to bring me back a live lobster…” before he even finished we were off and running. Glyda and I are running through the city, SPRINTING to get to the Mark to get a lobster. The other two teams get there at the same time we do, running through the store, yelling at the guy in the store to give us a lobster. One team takes a cab back, the other two high tail it on foot. We came in second by less than a minute.
posted by Chris Porter at 6:54 PM
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