not a rant

i fear that tonights posting will not compare to last nights. while a similar amount of "inspiration" has been imbibed throughout the course of the night, i dont have the same spark as i did last night. i wound up at Lir on boylston with some friends that i can honestly say i dont know well enough. either way, it was a fun little gathering. yet as the alcohol permeated my mind, i could feel the weight of the past few days falling in. it "informed" my night (i used to love how that term was used in music, historically informed music, what a great phrase). i sat and watched overpaid athletes score points and give dreams to thousands, maybe even millions of kids while mine filtered away etching a path towards the bottom of a glass of whiskey.
a funny thing happened to me when i started flying. i stopped caring about alot of things that go along with life. love, romance, money; it just stopped mattering. i gained a new sense of confidence because i figured that i love doing this so much, that there is no way i can fail at anything because this will carry me through. so far, i have stuck to it. the romance section has certainly given me trouble though. ive realized that ive been scarred by past experiences, just as anyone can be. but you have to deal with those scars and remember that those scars die with the person that gave them. not everyone is the same. not everyone is going to do the same thing. i think i may have forgetten that i wasnt in "that one" anymore, and this was something new. whoops. no amount of training will tell you how to recover from this one.
the only thing i have is the memory of that ride in the pitts. ive really, never even come close to feeling as alive as i did while i was up there. the freedom that is at your fingertips to go against everything that seems right is amazing. the best part is that its ok to go past those boundaries. this airplane was made for it. and you feel gravity pulling at you as you enter a loop and you fight it, you fight to keep the blood in your brain so that you stay awake, and it hurts. it certainly hurts. but then you look up, and you see the ground. in front of you is the horizon, but the ground is the frosting on the sky this time. that flight redefined the world for me. ive never really landed since then. it showed me what is possible and it taught that anything goes. risk is a beautiful thing. you may get hurt along the way, but the rewards youll find are infinite and beautiful. it didnt just paint a gloss on flying for me, it turned my world into an impressionist masterpiece, with each dot contributing to an endless work of glory and perfection and the promise of endless possibilty.